It’s the winter of 2017. I live in a 90 sq. ft apartment. I work as a personal trainer and as a massage therapist. I race my bicycle all across Toronto travelling to different condos and gyms. I still need more clients at this point of my life, so I can’t be too picky on location. There is a clinic across the street I massage at. That’s essential to the story, as the apartment I live in shares a bathroom with 2 other people. It’s often disgusting. Despite living here for over a year, I’ve never showered in it. Instead, I take advantage of the waterfall shower and steam room in the clinic I treat at. That’s where I wind down every night after the manager goes home. The evening staff are different from the day crew. They’re all established adults with business attire and the kind of confidence only experience can provide. At night, it’s just the young, hungry staff. Happy for a paycheck and dreaming of the future. These are my people.
Once I’m back in the apartment, it’s just big enough to walk around the double bed that takes up most of the footprint. So I sit on my bed and either read or steal the guest Wi-Fi from the outdoor clothing store downstairs to stream movies/shows. I normally get up at 4:30 or 5 am to start my workday. But I recently quit drinking, so I’m no longer going out to bars and clubs with the same urgency that I did. It feels lonely at times. And I dream a lot about the future. A steady and established business. Marriage. Kids. A house. A legacy in an industry that I felt needed to be shaken up. But I was debt free. I didn’t appreciate how freeing that was at the time.
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Today, the buyout of my house officially went through. I am again living in an apartment, though this time my bathroom and kitchen are my own! A quiet evening still feels like reading or watching TV. It still feels lonely at times. A lot of what I wanted came true. I have a steady and established business. I’ve been married. I’ve owned a house. But I still want to be a father.
I wanted to create stability and consistency in my life. To make those around me proud. To stand on my own two feet.
I heard an idea recently that stuck with me: you were enough the minute you were born and there is always more to do. Just don't confuse being with doing.
I think I’m a lot clearer on what I want. And where that differs from what other people want. And from who I once thought I wanted to be. So much of this time was spent trying to meet other people’s expectations while also living up to an idealized version of myself.
But I’m me. I’m nerdy. I’m athletic. I’m curious. I’m adventurous. I’m cautious. I’m more of a morning person and definitely someone that likes a lot of sleep. People light me up, but they also wear me out. And so the path forward is shaping a life that serves me. I imagine a life where my wants and needs slot in and take up space along with the needs of friends, family and partners. I see a life with a lot more space for living outside of work. And filling that space with more than reading and watching. Regular time spent each week with people who share my own kind of weirdness.
I played a game of snakes and ladders this weekend while sharing a chocolate bar with a friend. It was silly and fun and exactly the kind of shared play I want more of. I also had an orientation at the local food bank today. I’ve also signed up for a ceramic class in the fall. And I’m making time to be active with other people. And I’m keeping my work in a small mostly Monday-Friday, 9:30-5:30 container so that I have space to do those things. So going forward, joy cannot come exclusively from things I do by myself. Service is important. But I’ve done it so many times in my life at the cost of me.
There will always be a need for sacrifice. Some of the most meaningful moments of my life have come from sacrifice and hardship. But self-abandonment has been a theme in my life. I’ve given more than I have to try and appease others.
I don’t want to stop giving. I want to build a life where I have enough left in me to give sustainably. Where sacrifice is something I choose because it matters, rather than something I endure because I’m afraid to say no.
Maybe that’s enough direction for now.
If this resonated, share it with someone who might need it.
Thanks for being here.
Jack
P.S. I’ve been thinking a lot about pressure and freedom lately.
I recently published a short essay called The Freedom Paradox.
It goes deeper into some of what I’ve been working through.
eBook + audiobook here:
https://jackjohnstonwrites.gumroad.com/l/freedom-paradox