I’m entering a chapter of life where I’m starting fresh. Again. And at an age where so many of my friends are hitting their stride. Really making things happen.
When you’re young, fresh is fun. Fresh is exciting. Now, it’s more nuanced.
Grief for what was. Grief for what could have been. Fear. Of falling behind. Of being left behind. Of doors closing that don’t reopen later in life.
A friend recently shared some advice with me.
“Give it a year. Let the dust settle. Don’t rush into anything and see what comes up.”
It was timely. I’ve spent a lot of time in my head wondering what to do next. And yet, doing nothing wasn’t one of the options I’d considered.
Motion always feels productive.
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The Space Between Urgency and Patience
I just finished building my first piece of custom furniture. It was a bookshelf designed to fit perfectly against the wall of my living room. Woodworking is a new endeavor for me, especially furniture, where precision and craftsmanship matter.
I bought a sheet of maple plywood; it is the most expensive piece of plywood I’ve ever purchased. My heart raced in my chest as I prepared to make the first marks on the boards. The grain of the wood was so beautiful and pristine.
I rushed the initial set of cuts. I was nervous to start and excited to finish.
I spent the rest of the day fighting those poor cuts to try and salvage the build.
The final product is something I’m proud of. But the whole experience got me thinking.
A cut isn't necessarily a mistake. Eventually you have to cut the damn board.
I’ve been worried a lot lately about whether waiting too long closes doors. What if acting also closes doors?
I had a therapy session about a year and a half ago. I was talking about some of the past struggles I’d gone through. How painful they had been. What I knew I didn’t want going forward in my life.
After a brief pause, the therapist said something like, “Oh. That’s so interesting. It seems you’re very clear on what you don’t want. What if we turn that around. What do you want?”
I was floored. What did I want? I was prompted with another question, “What is the opposite of what you don’t want?”
I didn’t have an answer at the time. It’s still not clear for me.
Without a clear destination, it’s difficult to know if your actions are moving you towards your goal or away from it.
There are eight babies being born in my friend group this year. For a lot of couples, it will be their second child. When you’re younger, you imagine raising your kids with your friend’s kids.
This year I learned the difference between a bankruptcy and a consumer proposal. Once you’re on the path out, there’s still a period of time that needs to be lived through.
When more time means more distance between your path and the path that your friends and family are on, that can feel disheartening. It can feel lonely. It can feel sad.
All of that creates space. Space to think. Space to reflect. Unwelcome space at times.
I don’t know what’s next.
I know that waiting has a cost.
And I’m beginning to recognize that rushing has a cost too.
2 Voices I’m Learning From
1.
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves - Rainer Maria Rilke
It seems like the universe is trying to teach me something. This is a much more concise version of what I tried to express this week. That there can be joy in the not knowing.
2.
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. - Soren Kierkegaard
The first time I saw this quote was when my aunt shared it with me. Right after I got divorced. After I’d messed up the cuts on my bookshelf, hindsight couldn’t unmake them. I still had to move forward with the material that I had.
1 REFLECTION / ACTION
Am I making this decision because I'm ready… or because uncertainty is uncomfortable?
I remember watching a TED Talk by Nora McInerny. She spoke about losing her husband at a young age. She was distinguishing between moving on and moving forward. She spoke about carrying grief with you as life continues.
Grief is real. It’s worth feeling and experiencing. It’s the cost of experiencing something meaningful. You can carry the meaning of something forward without carrying the expectation that your future still has to look the way you once imagined. Maybe it just means creating space for possibilities we couldn’t see before.
If this resonated, share it with someone who might need it.
Thanks for being here.
Jack
P.S. I’ve been thinking a lot about pressure and freedom lately.
I recently published a short essay called The Freedom Paradox.
It goes deeper into some of what I’ve been working through.
eBook + audiobook here:
https://jackjohnstonwrites.gumroad.com/l/freedom-paradox