I read once that one way to forgive someone is to tell yourself they were doing the best they could with what they had at the time. It has served me well at times when minor annoyances or frustrations have reared up. You ask your partner to do something and they forget. Maybe they were stressed. Maybe they had a lot on their plate. Maybe something came up. Empathy and compassion flow from there.
But eventually you live long enough that something happens and you don't believe the other person did their best. Their action was painful, it was intentional, and you know the person is capable of better. They had opportunities to acknowledge it and they never apologized. Worse, maybe they don't believe it was as painful as you felt it to be. So then what?
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Forgiveness is always said to be essential for your own healing and growth. Carrying around anger, frustration and resentment does nothing to the one that hurt you but weighs heavily on you. But if forgiveness requires me to make their behaviour understandable, I might never get there.
So I looked into it. Forgiveness can be as simple as voluntarily moving away from resentment. In other words, it can coexist with the judgment that what happened was genuinely unjust.
I was recently in a social situation with my ex-wife. I hadn't made any effort to engage in conversation or socialize. Eventually, we bumped into each other and conversation was unavoidable. She suggested that it would be easier in these situations if we were cordial with each other. I agreed that it would be easier. And I said that I didn't have the capacity at this time. I hadn't forgotten what happened and cordiality didn't feel appropriate given the circumstances of our divorce.
My priority was not taking away from the evening by creating a scene. And yet I also wasn’t prepared to ignore how I felt. I was tired of brushing my emotions under the rug to make things easier for others. And there was a third pull in the moment as well. Does forgiveness require cordiality? I didn’t want to make the situation any bigger or more uncomfortable than it needed to be. But I didn’t have anything to say either. What happens in her life isn’t particularly important to me anymore, and I didn’t want to pretend that it was. So maybe forgiveness isn’t wishing someone well. Maybe forgiveness isn’t restoring the relationship.
I still feel like it was unfair. But the most realistic possibility is that acknowledgment will never come. How long do I want to keep waiting on a debt that will never be paid?
I started in regret and resentment. I wished things had been different and I felt angry that the difference was not addressed. Repair would require that difference to be addressed. That isn’t always possible. Forgiveness may be as simple as accepting that the difference will never be addressed. I need to stop waiting for the other person to make it right. The past held power over my present. I’ve been carrying it with me. I need to let go. It may not seem like much. That’s okay. In fact, it is enough.
Repair takes two people. Forgiveness doesn't.
If this resonated, share it with someone who might need it.
Thanks for being here.
Jack
P.S. I’ve been thinking a lot about pressure and freedom lately.
I recently published a short essay called The Freedom Paradox.
It goes deeper into some of what I’ve been working through.
eBook + audiobook here:
https://jackjohnstonwrites.gumroad.com/l/freedom-paradox